Happy Birthday to Me

Today was my birthday. It made me realize just how many of my friends have moved in the last year. Last year on my birthday I had a group of people go out to dinner to celebrate, this year I set up an open house from 6-midnight at my place, and had 3 people show up, for an hour. I'm trying not to feel bitter, because I know of at least a few more who said they really wanted to come, they just already had other plans. It's just that this was the first "party" I've tried to have, and I made sure to stock up on pop, made little smokies, and made my mom's recipe of cheese dip, none of which I actually like. Now I have all this stuff and nothing to do with it. I even cleaned the house from top to bottom, I really wanted to show my friends that I'd grown up and can keep a house, but I didn't have the chance.

I had dinner with my family last night, and then spent the night at my mom's in Seward (it was weird staying there again, I haven't stayed a night their for almost 3 years.) It was good I guess, and then my mom and I sat up talking for about 3 hours. Somehow when she gets talking I start feeling guilty and end up spilling my guts to her and telling her everything about my life.

My dad called me today and talked to me for all of about 30 seconds, then said he was going to give my sister the phone because she was the one who wanted to call me anyway. I'm hoping that doesn't mean he didn't want to call me.

Tomorrow I have a picnic dinner planned. So far I've had one family say yes, and another say maybe, so hopefully I'll get to see people then.

Truthfully, I just feel very alone this birthday, and am glad it's over. Maybe it has something to do with Grandpa being gone, most likely it has a lot to do with Grandpa being gone, but somehow I really need to figure out how to get over that.

I'm sorry this post is so depressing, I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.

My Birthday

My birthday is coming up on Saturday. I will be 22 years old. Truthfully, I'm not really looking forward to my birthday, since it will be the first one without Grandpa. I'm not liking the fact that life is going on, some days I just want to turn the clock back about two months and freeze it forever.

The day after my birthday is also the day of the 2-month anniversary of Grandpa's death.

I know this probably all sounds depressing, and I'm really sorry, but I needed to write it down.

My mom's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and I finally realized that all I want is to spend time with good friends. Hopefully I can make this happen.

Thanks for listening.

This may seem strange

Let me tell you a little about myself. I've tried this whole blog thing before, and it didn't work. But strangely enough, today I got this feeling, which I truthfully believe was from God, and it said that I needed to give blogging another go. Maybe this is God's way of getting me though this time in my life.

Most of today was one of the worst days I've had in the past year or so, but this evening, it really turned around. First off, today is the one month anniversary of my Grandpa's death. That may not seem like a big deal, but if you know my story, you will understand why it's really hard. Later on, I met with Kristin. We talked about how she is taking a leave of absence starting the second week in June, so we only had 3 more meetings until then. Then she told me that she has been praying about us, and decided that it would be in my best interest if we don't meet anymore after these last few weeks. Then this evening, I went to a dessert thing for a woman who used to be on staff with The Navigators at UNL, but moved to the University of Washington two years ago. I hadn't talked to her in those two years, but tonight I just felt a strong urge to pull her aside and tell her what had happened during the day. This woman is an amazing prayer warrior and stood and prayed with me for a few minutes. This may seem weird, but it calmed me down and made me think that maybe things will be ok.

You probably understand now why I titled this blog "Ramblings in the Desert". I ramble a lot. I guess I just start typing, then get really nervous about what I'm saying, and wondering if it is coming out right, or if it makes any sense at all, so I just keep rambling. (See, I did it again.) Maybe though, this will help me process all the millions of thoughts racing through my head. I hope someone understood this, and feel free to let me know of any questions/comments you have.

Thanks for listening.