Hey everyone.
I wanted to try and write something tonight, even to just update you a bit. It's my assumption that maybe only one or two people actually read this blog so I won't feel bad if no one mentions this post.
I want to say that a lot has changed in the past few months, but I'm not actually sure it has. I'm still going to school. I'm still working. I'm still struggling with the same things (and still don't know what they are.)
School has been really hard this semester. It's probably the hardest semester I've had since I left UNL the first time. I'm actually taking classes in my major (accounting), but I also haven't had any classes in accounting for about 2 years and I guess I'm supposed to already know much of what is being taught (or not taught in my case) in these classes. At least the professors think we've already learned it, but the other students don't agree with them. I've been told these are just really hard classes though and everyone does poorly in them. It also probably doesn't help that I have almost no motivation to ever study.
I'm back on medication now. Not really sure how I feel about that. I'm still trying to accept the fact that I'm back on it. I've been having a pretty hard time adjusting to it, which doesn't make the accepting it any better. I've been pretty sick, with no appetite. My constant headache has gotten worse, which isn't fun. I've had to deal with some tremors, major mood changes (and mood changes every 5 minutes some days,) and a little disorientation sometimes. So add that to the not exactly sure how I feel about all this, and you have one of the things I've been struggling with. I've only been on it for 3 weeks though, and it usually takes 3-6 weeks for your body to adjust to a new medication or medication change.
I'm trying really hard to be honest with my friends, but it's not always going very well. I'm once again struggling with the feeling that I need to pull back from them, but it seems different this time. This time I think it's more about making my friends idols in my life and always running to them in times of difficulty. This is a problem. It's something I've struggled with for years, but that can't be my excuse to let it go on. I'm not really sure what to do about it right now.
One of the main problems with pulling back from my friends though is that when I'm around them I sometimes get a brief moment of happiness and that is a very rare thing in my life right now. I'm finally having to admit to myself that I'm depressed again, and that's really hard. I'm trying to cling to the truth that my friends love me, and God loves me, and there is a reason for this, it will be for my good in the end, but it's really hard.
I'm in a class at church where we are learning about spiritual gifts and which ones we may have. We also send out a survey to friends/family/co-workers or anyone who knows us well. The results were pretty interesting. The answers I got from the test were pretty close to the answers that everyone else got, and pretty predictable, except for one major disagreement. This was on the gift of faith. Most people ranked me pretty high in this area, one person even said it was my 2nd strongest gift, but on my test it only ended up tied for 6th place. I'm surprised that my friends see a faith in me that I don't see in myself, but I guess that's a good thing too. I hope they're right.
I've also recently realized I have pretty much no short-term memory. If I don't write down an appointment right away, or have reminders set about homework assignments I forget them. I also have trouble remembering what I talked about with someone, even if it was only 5 or 10 minutes before. This is not helping the whole hard semester in school thing at all, and I don't have any idea how to fix it.
Ok, I should stop now before I ramble a lot more. I guess I just needed to write out my thoughts tonight, so thanks for reading.
-Nicole
Friday, November 18, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Quick Update
Hey Friends,
This week has been an interim week in my summer. I don't have any class, summer class is over, and fall classes start up this coming Monday. I'm still doing a lot though. Had to get my books for my fall classes, I'm taking two accounting courses, and had to turn in my financial aid appeal form. Hopefully that will go through without any problems.
Overall, I'm fine. Actually, no, that's a lie. I'm not fine. I'm nowhere close to fine. I don't have words to explain how I'm doing, but it's not fine. I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but I guess, please just pray.
Prayer requests:
- Pray that I would know what to ask for when people ask for prayer requests. Right now, I have no idea what to say.
- I guess pray that I would be struggling with God this week. To find out what's going on in my head. To process through some things. And to hopefully get some wisdom and guidance in a few areas of my life.
This week has been an interim week in my summer. I don't have any class, summer class is over, and fall classes start up this coming Monday. I'm still doing a lot though. Had to get my books for my fall classes, I'm taking two accounting courses, and had to turn in my financial aid appeal form. Hopefully that will go through without any problems.
Overall, I'm fine. Actually, no, that's a lie. I'm not fine. I'm nowhere close to fine. I don't have words to explain how I'm doing, but it's not fine. I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but I guess, please just pray.
Prayer requests:
- Pray that I would know what to ask for when people ask for prayer requests. Right now, I have no idea what to say.
- I guess pray that I would be struggling with God this week. To find out what's going on in my head. To process through some things. And to hopefully get some wisdom and guidance in a few areas of my life.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I'm Done!
With my summer class that is. I thought I'd have plenty of time now, but I had a long to-do list today, but I only got about half of it done. Thankfully the other half didn't have to be done today. Other than that, there's not really anything new in my life to report. Still talking through hard stuff with Jen, still working, but that's a little more stressful at the moment, and still trying to balance work, school, church stuff, and friends well. Feel free to ask any questions you may have, I'm just not so great at coming up with things to say.
Prayer Requests:
- Pray that I would prepare for my fall classes well. I need to reteach myself lots of accounting stuff in the next two weeks.
- Pray that I would continue to talk to Jen well, and that God would lead our meetings.
- Pray that God would help me catch things up at work and to feel less stressed about work.
- Pray that I would be having good time with my friends that is encouraging to all of us, instead of just running to them because I'm bored, or something like that.
- Pray that God would show me where he wants me to start doing ministry. I think he's telling me to do something with high school students, but so far that's not been very easy to find.
- Pray that I would learn to manage my money how God intends me to, in a way that honors him.
Thanks for reading friends. Oh yeah, and I made the blog private again, at least for now, too many people were having issues reading it. If I notice lots of odd people reading this though, it may get switched back.
-Nicole
Prayer Requests:
- Pray that I would prepare for my fall classes well. I need to reteach myself lots of accounting stuff in the next two weeks.
- Pray that I would continue to talk to Jen well, and that God would lead our meetings.
- Pray that God would help me catch things up at work and to feel less stressed about work.
- Pray that I would be having good time with my friends that is encouraging to all of us, instead of just running to them because I'm bored, or something like that.
- Pray that God would show me where he wants me to start doing ministry. I think he's telling me to do something with high school students, but so far that's not been very easy to find.
- Pray that I would learn to manage my money how God intends me to, in a way that honors him.
Thanks for reading friends. Oh yeah, and I made the blog private again, at least for now, too many people were having issues reading it. If I notice lots of odd people reading this though, it may get switched back.
-Nicole
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Over halfway there!
I forgot to post last week, sorry about that. I would remember, but be doing something else at the time, so I couldn't post, or I would be going to bed when I remembered or something like that. So here's a quick update about what's been going on.
I only have 3 more days of my summer class, so that's good. It's going ok. I'm not really learning much, but I'm memorizing it for the daily quizzes and the exams. I just can't wait to be done.
Other than that, not much has changed. My mom and I went to Illinois this past weekend to visit my brother Pat and my nephew Landon. We ended up helping Pat move from one small town to an apartment in another town that is closer to his work. I didn't get much good sleep (I was sleeping on a very uncomfortable futon), so I'm still catching up. My moods have still been weird, but I see my doctor next week and I'll ask her about it. I don't think I'm depressed, and I don't think I need to go back on medication, but I just want to keep her informed. She's a good friend of mine too, so it's nice to update her.
The biggest thing that is going on is with Jen my psychologist. This evening we started to work through my most recent trauma, which would be the date rape that happened March of 2007. According to her, I did really good tonight. I pretty much had to re-live the whole thing in as much vivid detail as I could. I started not doing so well emotionally and physically about halfway though, but I knew I just had to keep going. The only problem with this is trying to stop dealing with it when I go home. Jen said I have to learn something called "containment." I have to learn how to access these thoughts and feelings while I'm in counseling at her house, or journaling about it for homework, but then learn how to put them away and "contain" them so they don't interfere with the rest of my life. Since I used to stuff everything and I've really only been learning to feel things and deal with them for the last year or so, this is really hard for me to comprehend. I have to stuff some things, but not others? I've never been very good at this balancing act.
But, that's enough of a rant, so here's some prayer requests:
- Pray that I would work hard to finish out my summer class and not slack off because it seems easy.
- Pray that my moods would start to be more positive more of the time, and I that I would figure out what, if anything, is causing my funk.
- Pray that I would keep working hard with Jen, and that I wouldn't shut down as it gets more difficult. Pray that we would figure out a way for me to work through this trauma, and be able to keep moving on to the deeper issues in my past.
- Pray that I would learn containment. And also that beginning to drag up this stuff wouldn't have harmful effects for me. I've already noticed an increase in not so good thoughts and feelings, but so far I'm doing okay with them and looking to truth.
I think that's all everyone. Thanks again for caring.
I only have 3 more days of my summer class, so that's good. It's going ok. I'm not really learning much, but I'm memorizing it for the daily quizzes and the exams. I just can't wait to be done.
Other than that, not much has changed. My mom and I went to Illinois this past weekend to visit my brother Pat and my nephew Landon. We ended up helping Pat move from one small town to an apartment in another town that is closer to his work. I didn't get much good sleep (I was sleeping on a very uncomfortable futon), so I'm still catching up. My moods have still been weird, but I see my doctor next week and I'll ask her about it. I don't think I'm depressed, and I don't think I need to go back on medication, but I just want to keep her informed. She's a good friend of mine too, so it's nice to update her.
The biggest thing that is going on is with Jen my psychologist. This evening we started to work through my most recent trauma, which would be the date rape that happened March of 2007. According to her, I did really good tonight. I pretty much had to re-live the whole thing in as much vivid detail as I could. I started not doing so well emotionally and physically about halfway though, but I knew I just had to keep going. The only problem with this is trying to stop dealing with it when I go home. Jen said I have to learn something called "containment." I have to learn how to access these thoughts and feelings while I'm in counseling at her house, or journaling about it for homework, but then learn how to put them away and "contain" them so they don't interfere with the rest of my life. Since I used to stuff everything and I've really only been learning to feel things and deal with them for the last year or so, this is really hard for me to comprehend. I have to stuff some things, but not others? I've never been very good at this balancing act.
But, that's enough of a rant, so here's some prayer requests:
- Pray that I would work hard to finish out my summer class and not slack off because it seems easy.
- Pray that my moods would start to be more positive more of the time, and I that I would figure out what, if anything, is causing my funk.
- Pray that I would keep working hard with Jen, and that I wouldn't shut down as it gets more difficult. Pray that we would figure out a way for me to work through this trauma, and be able to keep moving on to the deeper issues in my past.
- Pray that I would learn containment. And also that beginning to drag up this stuff wouldn't have harmful effects for me. I've already noticed an increase in not so good thoughts and feelings, but so far I'm doing okay with them and looking to truth.
I think that's all everyone. Thanks again for caring.
Monday, July 18, 2011
3 summer school days down, 7 to go
After the first week and a half of my summer class, I'm not sure what to think. The class is supposed to go from 5:30-9:30pm, but so far we haven't been there longer than 8, and I'm pretty sure the teacher wants us to be done by 7:30 at the latest each day. He makes a powerpoint presentation, then prints it out with some blanks that we have to fill in. Then he says to study that in order to prepare for the daily quizzes. The 2 exams then are comprised of 70% material from the quizzes also. So I'm having a hard time getting motivation to actually read my book or study for this class at all. Hopefully I'll be able to do well in this class.
Prayer requests:
- Pray for motivation to study.
- Pray that I would not lose ground or backtrack in my walk with the LORD, that I would continually be seeking truth, telling myself the truth, and believing it.
- Pray that I would be content where I am. I'm still struggling with God in the fact that I know he wants me to do missions, and I want to do missions, but he keeps saying not yet. Which is hard to hear.
- Pray for my mood. It's starting to be all over the map again sometimes, and that worries me. I don't think I've become depressed again, at least not yet, but it is something I'm keeping a very close watch on.
- Pray for time with community. Thanks to many people, I've been able to still have Godly community even during my class, but I'm noticing more that I'm still struggling a lot with crowded loneliness (feeling lonely even when you're around people.) And I guess this goes with the contentment thing too, because I'm trying to remind myself that God is enough, and that I don't have to feel lonely.
- Pray that God would help me to find where I'm supposed to serve. I definitely have a void now that the Feys are gone, and I miss them terribly, but I also want to be able to still serve, whether it be another family, or an individual, or something else.
- Pray for my time with Jen tomorrow. I haven't seen her for a month, due to my crazy schedule, and then she got sick last week.
Thanks for sticking with me folks. Always feel free to ask me if you have questions about anything in my life, I'm really bad at coming up with things to post on here.
Oh yeah, and I think I'm starting to go through cupcake baking withdrawal, so I want to make some soon. But I would need people to eat them, so if you can think of a way for me to bring you, your family, your community group, etc. cupcakes. Please let me know. I have a couple recipes I'm deciding between. I think next up is either Amaretto Wedding Cupcakes, Mixed Berry Crumble Cupcakes, Chocolate Ice Cream Cupcakes, White Chocolate Devilish Cupcakes, or Cappuccino Cupcakes.
Prayer requests:
- Pray for motivation to study.
- Pray that I would not lose ground or backtrack in my walk with the LORD, that I would continually be seeking truth, telling myself the truth, and believing it.
- Pray that I would be content where I am. I'm still struggling with God in the fact that I know he wants me to do missions, and I want to do missions, but he keeps saying not yet. Which is hard to hear.
- Pray for my mood. It's starting to be all over the map again sometimes, and that worries me. I don't think I've become depressed again, at least not yet, but it is something I'm keeping a very close watch on.
- Pray for time with community. Thanks to many people, I've been able to still have Godly community even during my class, but I'm noticing more that I'm still struggling a lot with crowded loneliness (feeling lonely even when you're around people.) And I guess this goes with the contentment thing too, because I'm trying to remind myself that God is enough, and that I don't have to feel lonely.
- Pray that God would help me to find where I'm supposed to serve. I definitely have a void now that the Feys are gone, and I miss them terribly, but I also want to be able to still serve, whether it be another family, or an individual, or something else.
- Pray for my time with Jen tomorrow. I haven't seen her for a month, due to my crazy schedule, and then she got sick last week.
Thanks for sticking with me folks. Always feel free to ask me if you have questions about anything in my life, I'm really bad at coming up with things to post on here.
Oh yeah, and I think I'm starting to go through cupcake baking withdrawal, so I want to make some soon. But I would need people to eat them, so if you can think of a way for me to bring you, your family, your community group, etc. cupcakes. Please let me know. I have a couple recipes I'm deciding between. I think next up is either Amaretto Wedding Cupcakes, Mixed Berry Crumble Cupcakes, Chocolate Ice Cream Cupcakes, White Chocolate Devilish Cupcakes, or Cappuccino Cupcakes.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Last Day Before Summer School
So, I've already gone more than a week, but I thought I would give a quick update.
God has changed my life in the last week. Last Friday I found out I may not be eligible for financial aid this fall, so I felt once again like my life was falling into chaos. Last Sunday I was having another really rough day, I'd been having many of those in the past couple of weeks, but didn't know how to change things. I finally got myself to spend some time with Jesus, and I prayed that he would show me the verses he wanted me to see, because I had no idea where to start.
I looked up "Seeking God's Direction" in the back of my Bible, and started there. I read the first three verses, and didn't get much, but then I read Ephesians 5:20, which says "always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;" (NASB version).
I felt God telling me to thank him, which I thought was crazy, I mean, I had just possibly lost something else in my life, and he wanted me to thank him? But I decided to go with it, and thought it would probably take a couple of minutes max. I ended up spending over an hour writing a list of what I'm thankful for, and sobbing. I won't go into details, but I ended up with almost 3 journal pages front and back of things I'm thankful for.
I say that God changed my life, because my countenance has totally changed now. I'm not fearful of the future. I'm believing truth again. I'm even remembering to use truth to fight lies.
Other than that, things have been going ok. I visited a friend this weekend, and had a nice, relaxing time. I needed that. I'm a little worried about school starting up tomorrow, I'll be working 7 or 8 hours Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then have class for 4 hours each on Monday and Wednesday night. Then I'll come in probably on Tuesday to make up a couple hours I'll miss for leaving an hour early the nights I have class. I know, it's a little confusing.
So, prayer requests:
- Pray that God would continue to be working in my life and teaching me truth.
- Pray that I would be looking forward to my meeting with Jen (my psychologist) this week. So far I am looking forward to it, so I'm hoping that stays.
- Pray that I would handle my new schedule well, and be able to excel in both my class and at work.
- Pray that I would find time to still be with people and get community, even during my busy schedule.
God has changed my life in the last week. Last Friday I found out I may not be eligible for financial aid this fall, so I felt once again like my life was falling into chaos. Last Sunday I was having another really rough day, I'd been having many of those in the past couple of weeks, but didn't know how to change things. I finally got myself to spend some time with Jesus, and I prayed that he would show me the verses he wanted me to see, because I had no idea where to start.
I looked up "Seeking God's Direction" in the back of my Bible, and started there. I read the first three verses, and didn't get much, but then I read Ephesians 5:20, which says "always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;" (NASB version).
I felt God telling me to thank him, which I thought was crazy, I mean, I had just possibly lost something else in my life, and he wanted me to thank him? But I decided to go with it, and thought it would probably take a couple of minutes max. I ended up spending over an hour writing a list of what I'm thankful for, and sobbing. I won't go into details, but I ended up with almost 3 journal pages front and back of things I'm thankful for.
I say that God changed my life, because my countenance has totally changed now. I'm not fearful of the future. I'm believing truth again. I'm even remembering to use truth to fight lies.
Other than that, things have been going ok. I visited a friend this weekend, and had a nice, relaxing time. I needed that. I'm a little worried about school starting up tomorrow, I'll be working 7 or 8 hours Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, then have class for 4 hours each on Monday and Wednesday night. Then I'll come in probably on Tuesday to make up a couple hours I'll miss for leaving an hour early the nights I have class. I know, it's a little confusing.
So, prayer requests:
- Pray that God would continue to be working in my life and teaching me truth.
- Pray that I would be looking forward to my meeting with Jen (my psychologist) this week. So far I am looking forward to it, so I'm hoping that stays.
- Pray that I would handle my new schedule well, and be able to excel in both my class and at work.
- Pray that I would find time to still be with people and get community, even during my busy schedule.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Prayer Requests
A couple of days ago I asked God to help me come up with some prayer requests to share with my community group, thinking I'd get one or two, but he gave me a lot more than that, so I thought I'd share them with all of you. Here they are, in no particular order.
- Pray for these next weeks as I'm taking a summer class and not going to be able to see my friends as much.
- Pray for my memory. I've noticed it getting worse again over the last few weeks. I'm having a hard time remembering conversations with people, or even what I did a couple of days ago. I'm worried this will affect my performance in my summer class.
- Pray for my time with Jen (my psychologist.) It's really hard for me to go, and I don't really like it, but it's good for me.
- Pray I would keep fighting. I think I may be depressed again, and medicine could possibly help, but I think if I went back on it, I'd stop fighting to fix things (beliefs, lies, etc.)
- Pray I would learn to believe truth in my heart, instead of just knowing it in my head.
- Pray that I would handle the Feys move well. They move today, and I'm not sure it's really hit me yet. But I'm going to have to find something else to do on Tuesday afternoon.
- Pray for good time in the WORD, and that I would continually seek truth and believe it.
- Pray that I would be able to see how far I've come and how much God has changed me in the past few months (and years.)
- Pray that I would continually be overcoming fear by running to God instead.
- Pray that I would manage my finances more wisely. That I would learn to steward them well, the way God wants me to, and then actually do that.
- Pray I would find out where I fit in my church, and where I should be serving. I usually help with the children's ministry, or nursery ministry, but I have a strong sense that I'm supposed to be doing something else. Pray that I would begin to learn what my spiritual gifts are and find a place to use them to God's glory.
- Pray I wouldn't feel guilty asking for, and hopefully receiving love, affirmation, and especially prayer.
- Pray for these next weeks as I'm taking a summer class and not going to be able to see my friends as much.
- Pray for my memory. I've noticed it getting worse again over the last few weeks. I'm having a hard time remembering conversations with people, or even what I did a couple of days ago. I'm worried this will affect my performance in my summer class.
- Pray for my time with Jen (my psychologist.) It's really hard for me to go, and I don't really like it, but it's good for me.
- Pray I would keep fighting. I think I may be depressed again, and medicine could possibly help, but I think if I went back on it, I'd stop fighting to fix things (beliefs, lies, etc.)
- Pray I would learn to believe truth in my heart, instead of just knowing it in my head.
- Pray that I would handle the Feys move well. They move today, and I'm not sure it's really hit me yet. But I'm going to have to find something else to do on Tuesday afternoon.
- Pray for good time in the WORD, and that I would continually seek truth and believe it.
- Pray that I would be able to see how far I've come and how much God has changed me in the past few months (and years.)
- Pray that I would continually be overcoming fear by running to God instead.
- Pray that I would manage my finances more wisely. That I would learn to steward them well, the way God wants me to, and then actually do that.
- Pray I would find out where I fit in my church, and where I should be serving. I usually help with the children's ministry, or nursery ministry, but I have a strong sense that I'm supposed to be doing something else. Pray that I would begin to learn what my spiritual gifts are and find a place to use them to God's glory.
- Pray I wouldn't feel guilty asking for, and hopefully receiving love, affirmation, and especially prayer.
Explanation
Just in case you didn't get my second e-mail and are wondering why you have to sign in to read my blog, I'm going to post my explanation again here.
I'm going to try to re-start my blog. This time I'm doing something a little differently and making it private. I plan on posting updates (hopefully weekly) on how I'm doing, truths I'm learning, and prayer requests. You don't have to read them, but you got an invitation because I trust you enough to show you these postings. Because I made the blog private, you will have to sign in to be able to read it, I'm sorry about that, but I thought this way I could be honest without having to worry about random people seeing my junk.
I also have an opportunity for you to help me out if you want to. I'm going to try to post weekly. I would like your help in holding me accountable to this, at least for the first couple of months, then I'll re-evaluate.
Please let me know if you think of anyone else who may wish to see these posts. I don't have everyone's e-mail address, so I couldn't add some people. And thanks for caring enough to read this.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Can you help with a worthy cause?
Please help Pius X become one of the winners in this contest, it would be a great opportunity for them to get the funds for something they really need for the school. The top 20 schools on the list receive $500,000 to use to improve student’s health. Pius X plans to build a new kitchen!
Please go vote!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Prayer Request, again
Friends, I'm sorry to ask again, but please be in prayer for me. I've been having lots of large mood swings these past few days, and they are taking a toll on me. I've been able to spend a little time in the Word and in prayer and able to get myself to church, community group, Sunday school and so forth. But at the same time, I've been horribly mad, upset, and not wanting to see or talk to anyone, including my closest friends. And, and yes I know this is hard to believe, I haven't really wanted to be around any sort of little kids lately, I did nursery this morning, and the whole time all I wanted was to be out of that room. Last night I was really excited to help out, I don't know what happened!
I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I'm exhausted all the time, but am back to not being able to sleep very much at all. I don't want to eat, even on the rare occasion I feel hungry, food makes me feel nauseous. My mom says it's just my body getting used to being back in school, but I think there is something else going on, possibly something spiritual as I've been trying really hard to spend time with the LORD.
Maybe I am just exhausted from trying to do a summer class, and work 35-40 hours a week at work, which is insanely stressful right now as conversion is next weekend, so we're all really stressed out and snapping at each other pretty regularly.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm complaining, and according to my mom I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and plow my way through everything. If it's not too much to ask though, would you please pray?
I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I'm exhausted all the time, but am back to not being able to sleep very much at all. I don't want to eat, even on the rare occasion I feel hungry, food makes me feel nauseous. My mom says it's just my body getting used to being back in school, but I think there is something else going on, possibly something spiritual as I've been trying really hard to spend time with the LORD.
Maybe I am just exhausted from trying to do a summer class, and work 35-40 hours a week at work, which is insanely stressful right now as conversion is next weekend, so we're all really stressed out and snapping at each other pretty regularly.
I'm sorry if it seems like I'm complaining, and according to my mom I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and plow my way through everything. If it's not too much to ask though, would you please pray?
Friday, July 23, 2010
An interesting thought
It is a known fact that I listen to way too much Focus on the Family for my own good. I was listening to a broadcast of theirs the other day though, and heard a quote that made me stop, rewind, and hear it again (about 5 times over). I'm not sure I completely agree with this quote, so I thought I would ask for your opinions, I think it could be a cool discussion.
It's from a Focus on the Family interview with author Philip Yancey. Here's the link if you want to hear it in context.
http://listen.family.org/weekend/A000002754.cfm
On the left side of the middle section, under the heading tough questions, click on Audio: "Disappointment with God"
Here's the quote that caught my attention:
"It's very clear that there are things that happen on this earth that do not please God. Jesus told us to pray that God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And God's will is not always done on Earth as it is in heaven. Just read the daily newspaper, talk to people who are the victims of crime and these terrible things that are happening in the world."
I'm not sure I agree with the part where he says "And God's will is not always done on Earth as it is in heaven." I can agree with the overall fact that Earth is not like heaven, but I'm not sure about the God's will part. Isn't God's will always done? Even if something horrible happens to someone, isn't that God's will. I didn't think that anything could be outside of God's will for our lives.
Am I just completely hearing this statement wrong? Or is there some theological thing I don't understand? I'd love to hear your responses.
It's from a Focus on the Family interview with author Philip Yancey. Here's the link if you want to hear it in context.
http://listen.family.org/
On the left side of the middle section, under the heading tough questions, click on Audio: "Disappointment with God"
Here's the quote that caught my attention:
"It's very clear that there are things that happen on this earth that do not please God. Jesus told us to pray that God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And God's will is not always done on Earth as it is in heaven. Just read the daily newspaper, talk to people who are the victims of crime and these terrible things that are happening in the world."
I'm not sure I agree with the part where he says "And God's will is not always done on Earth as it is in heaven." I can agree with the overall fact that Earth is not like heaven, but I'm not sure about the God's will part. Isn't God's will always done? Even if something horrible happens to someone, isn't that God's will. I didn't think that anything could be outside of God's will for our lives.
Am I just completely hearing this statement wrong? Or is there some theological thing I don't understand? I'd love to hear your responses.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Dear Blogosphere
So I have a thought-provoking blog post that I'm working on writing, but I decided that I wanted to ask a question first.
I'm trying to take a 5-week summer class (FDST131/CHEM131, The Science of Food), and work almost full time each of those weeks (work is busy because we are in the transition period for the Alabama 529 College Savings Plan, which means we are working longer hours each day, for a total of more hours in a week, and everyone is tired, and in a bad mood), and keep all of my commitments besides. Because of this, here's my question:
How many beers, or other alcoholic drinks is it going to take to get me through the next 4 weeks? (One week is already done.)
I just thought it was sort of funny, because I was really upset after work, so I opened a beer, and we just happened to be talking about alcohols in class, and which alcohol it is that we drink (the answer is ethanol by the way).
I've also learned (not through class), that someone should make a watermelon flavored beer (maybe they do and I just don't know about it.) Taking a swig of watermelon pucker, then holding it in your mouth while you add a swig of beer (I'm drinking Michelob Light), makes for a pretty good drink.
Just thought I would throw it out there.
I'm trying to take a 5-week summer class (FDST131/CHEM131, The Science of Food), and work almost full time each of those weeks (work is busy because we are in the transition period for the Alabama 529 College Savings Plan, which means we are working longer hours each day, for a total of more hours in a week, and everyone is tired, and in a bad mood), and keep all of my commitments besides. Because of this, here's my question:
How many beers, or other alcoholic drinks is it going to take to get me through the next 4 weeks? (One week is already done.)
I just thought it was sort of funny, because I was really upset after work, so I opened a beer, and we just happened to be talking about alcohols in class, and which alcohol it is that we drink (the answer is ethanol by the way).
I've also learned (not through class), that someone should make a watermelon flavored beer (maybe they do and I just don't know about it.) Taking a swig of watermelon pucker, then holding it in your mouth while you add a swig of beer (I'm drinking Michelob Light), makes for a pretty good drink.
Just thought I would throw it out there.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Prayer
I'm pretty sure that no one really reads this blog, so you may not get this message, but for anyone who does, here you go:
Please pray for me. I can't, and don't know how, to put into words what's wrong right now. I'm sorry, but I can't even get a clear thought in my head at the moment to try.
Just please, pray.
Please pray for me. I can't, and don't know how, to put into words what's wrong right now. I'm sorry, but I can't even get a clear thought in my head at the moment to try.
Just please, pray.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sorry, thought of a side note
I once again this summer found out I'm horribly allergic to mosquito bites. I know that many people may say that, but I've had an actual doctor's diagnosis since I was probably 5. Sadly, I didn't remember that I'm supposed to take Benedryl allergy (or the off brand works too) at least once or twice a day, every day from about April, until about October. Which means that I have huge bites on my legs. I've been putting Benedryl cream on them, and they've started to go down a little, which is fine, except that sometimes when they start to shrink, then they get blistered and it's really painful.
I'm hoping to try and get an allergy shot and see if that fixes things so I don't have to take more pills every day, I take enough already.
Sorry for that, I'll let you get back to your regularly programmed lives now.
I'm hoping to try and get an allergy shot and see if that fixes things so I don't have to take more pills every day, I take enough already.
Sorry for that, I'll let you get back to your regularly programmed lives now.
"Short" update
I know I haven't posted in awhile. I've been trying to think of what to say, and how to put things into words (which is not one of my strong points.) I guess I'll just try to update you on the last couple of weeks.
I found 2 roommates. Jillian and Ashley (no, not the Ashley that stays with me all the time, she lives in another town,) will be moving in on the 1st. I'm not sure what I think about it. It will be really weird having people in the house that aren't family. It seems that the closer it gets to the 1st, the worse I feel. I really didn't want my life to change this much this year, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it but trust God is in control (which is really, REALLY, hard to do.)
I know that this might make a few people mad, but I don't think I'm going to pursue meeting with anyone. At least not right now. I had planned on meeting with Chalena a second time, but then I got sick and had to cancel it. I called her 2 days later and left a message asking when she has some open appointments, and I haven't gotten a call back. That was about a week and a half ago. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to try to lean on him, and trust that he WILL take care of me, instead of believing that I need someone else to. I don't know. I know that I'm trying really hard though. I'm actually trying to read the many books I've had for the last year or two that I really wanted to get read.
Right now I'm going through "Your Own Jesus: A God Insistent on Making It Personal (here on referred to as YOJ)" by Casting Crown's lead singer Mark Hall. If you know me well, you will know that Casting Crowns is my favorite group (not singer, just group), so I was really excited when this book came out. It also has some parallel video blogs that Mark did and put on their website. The book tells you where to find them (called "Crowns' Camp"), and they are mini devotionals. Then Mark gives an assignment at the end of a verse, or passage to meditate on for that day. It's really cool.
I'm also planning on finally getting to "Abba's Child (later will probably be referred to as AC)" (Brittany let me borrow this one at least three years ago, possibly four), "A Hunger for God" (I really should get it returned to Ben, I've had it for months), and at the moment I can't remember the others, but I know there are at least two more, and I think maybe up to four or five more.
I'm also trying (though not succeeding) to write in my prayer journal more, or at least to stop and pray. I trust that God is changing my heart and drawing me closer to him, it's just taking longer than I wanted it to. Does that make any sense?
Alright, well, I should go today's verses in my one year Bible plan, then try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading.
I found 2 roommates. Jillian and Ashley (no, not the Ashley that stays with me all the time, she lives in another town,) will be moving in on the 1st. I'm not sure what I think about it. It will be really weird having people in the house that aren't family. It seems that the closer it gets to the 1st, the worse I feel. I really didn't want my life to change this much this year, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it but trust God is in control (which is really, REALLY, hard to do.)
I know that this might make a few people mad, but I don't think I'm going to pursue meeting with anyone. At least not right now. I had planned on meeting with Chalena a second time, but then I got sick and had to cancel it. I called her 2 days later and left a message asking when she has some open appointments, and I haven't gotten a call back. That was about a week and a half ago. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to try to lean on him, and trust that he WILL take care of me, instead of believing that I need someone else to. I don't know. I know that I'm trying really hard though. I'm actually trying to read the many books I've had for the last year or two that I really wanted to get read.
Right now I'm going through "Your Own Jesus: A God Insistent on Making It Personal (here on referred to as YOJ)" by Casting Crown's lead singer Mark Hall. If you know me well, you will know that Casting Crowns is my favorite group (not singer, just group), so I was really excited when this book came out. It also has some parallel video blogs that Mark did and put on their website. The book tells you where to find them (called "Crowns' Camp"), and they are mini devotionals. Then Mark gives an assignment at the end of a verse, or passage to meditate on for that day. It's really cool.
I'm also planning on finally getting to "Abba's Child (later will probably be referred to as AC)" (Brittany let me borrow this one at least three years ago, possibly four), "A Hunger for God" (I really should get it returned to Ben, I've had it for months), and at the moment I can't remember the others, but I know there are at least two more, and I think maybe up to four or five more.
I'm also trying (though not succeeding) to write in my prayer journal more, or at least to stop and pray. I trust that God is changing my heart and drawing me closer to him, it's just taking longer than I wanted it to. Does that make any sense?
Alright, well, I should go today's verses in my one year Bible plan, then try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading.
Monday, June 14, 2010
God is great, God is good...
Let us thank him for our...Life? I don't think that's the way that prayer goes, but we never said it when I was growing up, so I'm not positive. That's besides that point though. I think we should rewrite the prayer to say that, since that's how I'm feeling at the moment.
Yesterday I was able to have a wonderful birthday picnic dinner with friends from church. God showed me his overwhelming love through those wonderful people, and then kept showing it to me through another friend yesterday evening.
I was able to spend about an hour with a really good friend I hadn't seen in a year. She reminded me once again of something I've heard many times before, about how God is a loving father who will not break down doors and make us do what he wants us to do, but he will stand by patiently while we pout and throw our tantrums, and sooner or later we will hopefully turn back and do his will. Or something like that. Last night that actually got through my head, and I believe it. I went home, and spent the next hour crying and writing in my prayer journal for the first time in months.
I really think I should go back to trying to figure out this God as a father thing, it may become a breakthrough for me. I've been thinking back on the past year, and realized that my life has changed dramatically from where it was a year ago, even more dramatically from where it was two years ago. But I was reminded of one of the first truths I learned, as Gods' Word says in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (emphasis mine.) I'm trying to cling to this truth and hoping it will change my life.
Now, because it's me, there has to be something depressing in this post :P, so here it is. I don't think the enemy likes what happened yesterday, and now I'm sick. Sicker than I've been in a long while (but don't worry, it's not contagious.)
Thank you all for reading, and for sharing my life with me. Feel free to leave me your prayer requests, or e-mail them to me or call me with them if you would feel more comfortable (let me know if you need my e-mail and/or phone number.) I would love to be able to be in prayer for my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially now that I can truthfully say that I'm praying for people.
Yesterday I was able to have a wonderful birthday picnic dinner with friends from church. God showed me his overwhelming love through those wonderful people, and then kept showing it to me through another friend yesterday evening.
I was able to spend about an hour with a really good friend I hadn't seen in a year. She reminded me once again of something I've heard many times before, about how God is a loving father who will not break down doors and make us do what he wants us to do, but he will stand by patiently while we pout and throw our tantrums, and sooner or later we will hopefully turn back and do his will. Or something like that. Last night that actually got through my head, and I believe it. I went home, and spent the next hour crying and writing in my prayer journal for the first time in months.
I really think I should go back to trying to figure out this God as a father thing, it may become a breakthrough for me. I've been thinking back on the past year, and realized that my life has changed dramatically from where it was a year ago, even more dramatically from where it was two years ago. But I was reminded of one of the first truths I learned, as Gods' Word says in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (emphasis mine.) I'm trying to cling to this truth and hoping it will change my life.
Now, because it's me, there has to be something depressing in this post :P, so here it is. I don't think the enemy likes what happened yesterday, and now I'm sick. Sicker than I've been in a long while (but don't worry, it's not contagious.)
Thank you all for reading, and for sharing my life with me. Feel free to leave me your prayer requests, or e-mail them to me or call me with them if you would feel more comfortable (let me know if you need my e-mail and/or phone number.) I would love to be able to be in prayer for my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially now that I can truthfully say that I'm praying for people.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me
Today was my birthday. It made me realize just how many of my friends have moved in the last year. Last year on my birthday I had a group of people go out to dinner to celebrate, this year I set up an open house from 6-midnight at my place, and had 3 people show up, for an hour. I'm trying not to feel bitter, because I know of at least a few more who said they really wanted to come, they just already had other plans. It's just that this was the first "party" I've tried to have, and I made sure to stock up on pop, made little smokies, and made my mom's recipe of cheese dip, none of which I actually like. Now I have all this stuff and nothing to do with it. I even cleaned the house from top to bottom, I really wanted to show my friends that I'd grown up and can keep a house, but I didn't have the chance.
I had dinner with my family last night, and then spent the night at my mom's in Seward (it was weird staying there again, I haven't stayed a night their for almost 3 years.) It was good I guess, and then my mom and I sat up talking for about 3 hours. Somehow when she gets talking I start feeling guilty and end up spilling my guts to her and telling her everything about my life.
My dad called me today and talked to me for all of about 30 seconds, then said he was going to give my sister the phone because she was the one who wanted to call me anyway. I'm hoping that doesn't mean he didn't want to call me.
Tomorrow I have a picnic dinner planned. So far I've had one family say yes, and another say maybe, so hopefully I'll get to see people then.
Truthfully, I just feel very alone this birthday, and am glad it's over. Maybe it has something to do with Grandpa being gone, most likely it has a lot to do with Grandpa being gone, but somehow I really need to figure out how to get over that.
I'm sorry this post is so depressing, I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.
I had dinner with my family last night, and then spent the night at my mom's in Seward (it was weird staying there again, I haven't stayed a night their for almost 3 years.) It was good I guess, and then my mom and I sat up talking for about 3 hours. Somehow when she gets talking I start feeling guilty and end up spilling my guts to her and telling her everything about my life.
My dad called me today and talked to me for all of about 30 seconds, then said he was going to give my sister the phone because she was the one who wanted to call me anyway. I'm hoping that doesn't mean he didn't want to call me.
Tomorrow I have a picnic dinner planned. So far I've had one family say yes, and another say maybe, so hopefully I'll get to see people then.
Truthfully, I just feel very alone this birthday, and am glad it's over. Maybe it has something to do with Grandpa being gone, most likely it has a lot to do with Grandpa being gone, but somehow I really need to figure out how to get over that.
I'm sorry this post is so depressing, I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
My Birthday
My birthday is coming up on Saturday. I will be 22 years old. Truthfully, I'm not really looking forward to my birthday, since it will be the first one without Grandpa. I'm not liking the fact that life is going on, some days I just want to turn the clock back about two months and freeze it forever.
The day after my birthday is also the day of the 2-month anniversary of Grandpa's death.
I know this probably all sounds depressing, and I'm really sorry, but I needed to write it down.
My mom's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and I finally realized that all I want is to spend time with good friends. Hopefully I can make this happen.
Thanks for listening.
The day after my birthday is also the day of the 2-month anniversary of Grandpa's death.
I know this probably all sounds depressing, and I'm really sorry, but I needed to write it down.
My mom's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and I finally realized that all I want is to spend time with good friends. Hopefully I can make this happen.
Thanks for listening.
Week in review
I'll give you guys a really quick review, then I'll elaborate on a few things.
Monday: Spent the whole day cleaning the house with my mom
Tuesday: Showed the house to a potential roommate, then had community group
Wednesday: Met with Nicole
Thursday: Met with Kristin for the last time, showed the house to another potential roommate
Friday: Didn't do much, talked with a really good friend on the phone
Saturday: Cleaned the house, worked for a few hours
Sunday (Today): Church, went to a musical with my mom, my uncle set up the new digital cable in the house
Now to elaborate. My meeting with Nicole didn't go so well. It wasn't just that I was nervous, our personalities didn't really mesh at all. And her office is really small, so we were only sitting about a foot apart (if you know me, you know I don't usually sit that close to anyone, especially someone I don't know.) I'm giving her a second chance though, maybe I just got a bad first impression.
Although I am giving Nicole a second chance, I'm also going to meet with someone else this week (Nicole didn't have any openings.) Her name's Chalena. Her office is only as big as Nicole's, so that problem won't be solved, but Kristin thinks that maybe our personalities will mesh better.
Speaking of Kristin, I saw her for the last time on Thursday, and we sort of had a summary meeting. Going over where I started, what we've worked on, where I am now, and what she thinks I still need to work on. It's strange thinking that I won't be meeting with her anymore, I met with her for almost two and a half years. Hopefully it should be easier because no one will be able to contact her for 5 weeks, she won't even be answering her phone.
Today I got to go see Fiddler on the Roof at the Omaha Community Playhouse. My step-dad couldn't go, so he told my mom she should take me. The show was great, but my mom brought the Porsche and decided we had to put the top down. Because of this I'm sunburned on both arms (they don't match, one looks like a farmer's tan), and I just realized that I'm sunburned on part of one of my legs. I don't usually even put the windows down in my car, let alone have a top down. I loved the show, but the day is definitely hampered by the pain I'm in now.
Monday: Spent the whole day cleaning the house with my mom
Tuesday: Showed the house to a potential roommate, then had community group
Wednesday: Met with Nicole
Thursday: Met with Kristin for the last time, showed the house to another potential roommate
Friday: Didn't do much, talked with a really good friend on the phone
Saturday: Cleaned the house, worked for a few hours
Sunday (Today): Church, went to a musical with my mom, my uncle set up the new digital cable in the house
Now to elaborate. My meeting with Nicole didn't go so well. It wasn't just that I was nervous, our personalities didn't really mesh at all. And her office is really small, so we were only sitting about a foot apart (if you know me, you know I don't usually sit that close to anyone, especially someone I don't know.) I'm giving her a second chance though, maybe I just got a bad first impression.
Although I am giving Nicole a second chance, I'm also going to meet with someone else this week (Nicole didn't have any openings.) Her name's Chalena. Her office is only as big as Nicole's, so that problem won't be solved, but Kristin thinks that maybe our personalities will mesh better.
Speaking of Kristin, I saw her for the last time on Thursday, and we sort of had a summary meeting. Going over where I started, what we've worked on, where I am now, and what she thinks I still need to work on. It's strange thinking that I won't be meeting with her anymore, I met with her for almost two and a half years. Hopefully it should be easier because no one will be able to contact her for 5 weeks, she won't even be answering her phone.
Today I got to go see Fiddler on the Roof at the Omaha Community Playhouse. My step-dad couldn't go, so he told my mom she should take me. The show was great, but my mom brought the Porsche and decided we had to put the top down. Because of this I'm sunburned on both arms (they don't match, one looks like a farmer's tan), and I just realized that I'm sunburned on part of one of my legs. I don't usually even put the windows down in my car, let alone have a top down. I loved the show, but the day is definitely hampered by the pain I'm in now.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Sorry, I can't think of a catchy name at the moment
Wow, a lot has happened in the last couple of days. I haven't been writing because I haven't had very much time alone.
First off, I met with Kristin on Wednesday and talked a little more about seeing someone else. She also said that next time we meet (which is my last time with her) she will give me a summary of some sort. When I left her, I had to go back to work, but on the way I got up enough courage to call Nicole Kai, the other counselor I had decided to meet. We played phone tag throughout Wednesday, and we finally got a chance to chat on the phone on Thursday. She sounds really nice. I was bold enough to even make an appointment with her for this coming Wednesday. Then I see Kristin for the last time on Thursday, so it should be an interesting week.
I'm amazed that I actually got up the courage to dial Nicole's number, let alone make an appointment with her. I realized though that there wasn't really any way that one of my friends could do it for me, as I don't really see them during the day when her office would have been open. I also am trying really hard to be more independent and rely less on my friends. I need to realize that I'm an adult and have to make my own decisions (even if I don't really like it.)
We had a really busy morning and early afternoon at work on Friday, and then it was really dead until 5, which is sort of annoying. I came home to find that my aunt had done a few more things in the house that no one really asked her to do, and frankly, I didn't want done. I know she means well, but I wish she would have asked first.
My aunt and uncle finally left Saturday afternoon, and one of my friends stayed with me for the weekend, so I still wasn't really alone. I didn't do a whole lot. She realized she probably won't be able to come down for my birthday in two weeks, so she wanted to get me my gift now. She remembered that I hadn't gotten the sixth Harry Potter movie yet, so we went and got that, then watched it last night.
Sunday School and church today, then I planned on practicing my guitar some, finishing my laundry, and maybe doing the dishes. It ended up that I've spent about the last 4 hours doing random cleaning/organizing projects around the house, and haven't gotten around to practicing. I only did this because I have a potential roomate coming by the house Tuesday evening, and my mom will be here cleaning tomorrow, and I feel bad when she does everything. Especially because then she gets mad at me for not doing anything (although it's hard to clean something when you have no idea what to do with it.)
Now I'm sitting here enjoying a bowl of cereal with actual skim milk! I know I shouldn't be drinking it, but my aunt and uncle left almost an entire gallon in the fridge, and I haven't had it in so long. I forgot how good it tastes. Oh well, I should probably go fold the three loads of clothes I did today, and then I should try to get some sleep.
Hope everyone is having a good Memorial Day weekend. Remember those who have served and are serving in our armed forces!
First off, I met with Kristin on Wednesday and talked a little more about seeing someone else. She also said that next time we meet (which is my last time with her) she will give me a summary of some sort. When I left her, I had to go back to work, but on the way I got up enough courage to call Nicole Kai, the other counselor I had decided to meet. We played phone tag throughout Wednesday, and we finally got a chance to chat on the phone on Thursday. She sounds really nice. I was bold enough to even make an appointment with her for this coming Wednesday. Then I see Kristin for the last time on Thursday, so it should be an interesting week.
I'm amazed that I actually got up the courage to dial Nicole's number, let alone make an appointment with her. I realized though that there wasn't really any way that one of my friends could do it for me, as I don't really see them during the day when her office would have been open. I also am trying really hard to be more independent and rely less on my friends. I need to realize that I'm an adult and have to make my own decisions (even if I don't really like it.)
We had a really busy morning and early afternoon at work on Friday, and then it was really dead until 5, which is sort of annoying. I came home to find that my aunt had done a few more things in the house that no one really asked her to do, and frankly, I didn't want done. I know she means well, but I wish she would have asked first.
My aunt and uncle finally left Saturday afternoon, and one of my friends stayed with me for the weekend, so I still wasn't really alone. I didn't do a whole lot. She realized she probably won't be able to come down for my birthday in two weeks, so she wanted to get me my gift now. She remembered that I hadn't gotten the sixth Harry Potter movie yet, so we went and got that, then watched it last night.
Sunday School and church today, then I planned on practicing my guitar some, finishing my laundry, and maybe doing the dishes. It ended up that I've spent about the last 4 hours doing random cleaning/organizing projects around the house, and haven't gotten around to practicing. I only did this because I have a potential roomate coming by the house Tuesday evening, and my mom will be here cleaning tomorrow, and I feel bad when she does everything. Especially because then she gets mad at me for not doing anything (although it's hard to clean something when you have no idea what to do with it.)
Now I'm sitting here enjoying a bowl of cereal with actual skim milk! I know I shouldn't be drinking it, but my aunt and uncle left almost an entire gallon in the fridge, and I haven't had it in so long. I forgot how good it tastes. Oh well, I should probably go fold the three loads of clothes I did today, and then I should try to get some sleep.
Hope everyone is having a good Memorial Day weekend. Remember those who have served and are serving in our armed forces!
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