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Prayer Request, again

Friends, I'm sorry to ask again, but please be in prayer for me. I've been having lots of large mood swings these past few days, and they are taking a toll on me. I've been able to spend a little time in the Word and in prayer and able to get myself to church, community group, Sunday school and so forth. But at the same time, I've been horribly mad, upset, and not wanting to see or talk to anyone, including my closest friends. And, and yes I know this is hard to believe, I haven't really wanted to be around any sort of little kids lately, I did nursery this morning, and the whole time all I wanted was to be out of that room. Last night I was really excited to help out, I don't know what happened!

I don't know what's going on, but I don't like it. I'm exhausted all the time, but am back to not being able to sleep very much at all. I don't want to eat, even on the rare occasion I feel hungry, food makes me feel nauseous. My mom says it's just my body getting used to being back in school, but I think there is something else going on, possibly something spiritual as I've been trying really hard to spend time with the LORD.

Maybe I am just exhausted from trying to do a summer class, and work 35-40 hours a week at work, which is insanely stressful right now as conversion is next weekend, so we're all really stressed out and snapping at each other pretty regularly.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm complaining, and according to my mom I just need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and plow my way through everything. If it's not too much to ask though, would you please pray?

An interesting thought

It is a known fact that I listen to way too much Focus on the Family for my own good. I was listening to a broadcast of theirs the other day though, and heard a quote that made me stop, rewind, and hear it again (about 5 times over). I'm not sure I completely agree with this quote, so I thought I would ask for your opinions, I think it could be a cool discussion.

It's from a Focus on the Family interview with author Philip Yancey. Here's the link if you want to hear it in context.
http://listen.family.org/weekend/A000002754.cfm
On the left side of the middle section, under the heading tough questions, click on Audio: "Disappointment with God"

Here's the quote that caught my attention:
"It's very clear that there are things that happen on this earth that do not please God. Jesus told us to pray that God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. And God's will is not always done on Earth as it is in heaven. Just read the daily newspaper, talk to people who are the victims of crime and these terrible things that are happening in the world."

I'm not sure I agree with the part where he says "And God's will is not always done on Earth as it is in heaven." I can agree with the overall fact that Earth is not like heaven, but I'm not sure about the God's will part. Isn't God's will always done? Even if something horrible happens to someone, isn't that God's will. I didn't think that anything could be outside of God's will for our lives.

Am I just completely hearing this statement wrong? Or is there some theological thing I don't understand? I'd love to hear your responses.

Dear Blogosphere

So I have a thought-provoking blog post that I'm working on writing, but I decided that I wanted to ask a question first.

I'm trying to take a 5-week summer class (FDST131/CHEM131, The Science of Food), and work almost full time each of those weeks (work is busy because we are in the transition period for the Alabama 529 College Savings Plan, which means we are working longer hours each day, for a total of more hours in a week, and everyone is tired, and in a bad mood), and keep all of my commitments besides. Because of this, here's my question:

How many beers, or other alcoholic drinks is it going to take to get me through the next 4 weeks? (One week is already done.)

I just thought it was sort of funny, because I was really upset after work, so I opened a beer, and we just happened to be talking about alcohols in class, and which alcohol it is that we drink (the answer is ethanol by the way).

I've also learned (not through class), that someone should make a watermelon flavored beer (maybe they do and I just don't know about it.) Taking a swig of watermelon pucker, then holding it in your mouth while you add a swig of beer (I'm drinking Michelob Light), makes for a pretty good drink.

Just thought I would throw it out there.

Prayer

I'm pretty sure that no one really reads this blog, so you may not get this message, but for anyone who does, here you go:

Please pray for me. I can't, and don't know how, to put into words what's wrong right now. I'm sorry, but I can't even get a clear thought in my head at the moment to try.

Just please, pray.

Sorry, thought of a side note

I once again this summer found out I'm horribly allergic to mosquito bites. I know that many people may say that, but I've had an actual doctor's diagnosis since I was probably 5. Sadly, I didn't remember that I'm supposed to take Benedryl allergy (or the off brand works too) at least once or twice a day, every day from about April, until about October. Which means that I have huge bites on my legs. I've been putting Benedryl cream on them, and they've started to go down a little, which is fine, except that sometimes when they start to shrink, then they get blistered and it's really painful.

I'm hoping to try and get an allergy shot and see if that fixes things so I don't have to take more pills every day, I take enough already.

Sorry for that, I'll let you get back to your regularly programmed lives now.

"Short" update

I know I haven't posted in awhile. I've been trying to think of what to say, and how to put things into words (which is not one of my strong points.) I guess I'll just try to update you on the last couple of weeks.

I found 2 roommates. Jillian and Ashley (no, not the Ashley that stays with me all the time, she lives in another town,) will be moving in on the 1st. I'm not sure what I think about it. It will be really weird having people in the house that aren't family. It seems that the closer it gets to the 1st, the worse I feel. I really didn't want my life to change this much this year, but I guess there's nothing I can do about it but trust God is in control (which is really, REALLY, hard to do.)

I know that this might make a few people mad, but I don't think I'm going to pursue meeting with anyone. At least not right now. I had planned on meeting with Chalena a second time, but then I got sick and had to cancel it. I called her 2 days later and left a message asking when she has some open appointments, and I haven't gotten a call back. That was about a week and a half ago. Maybe this is God's way of telling me to try to lean on him, and trust that he WILL take care of me, instead of believing that I need someone else to. I don't know. I know that I'm trying really hard though. I'm actually trying to read the many books I've had for the last year or two that I really wanted to get read.

Right now I'm going through "Your Own Jesus: A God Insistent on Making It Personal (here on referred to as YOJ)" by Casting Crown's lead singer Mark Hall. If you know me well, you will know that Casting Crowns is my favorite group (not singer, just group), so I was really excited when this book came out. It also has some parallel video blogs that Mark did and put on their website. The book tells you where to find them (called "Crowns' Camp"), and they are mini devotionals. Then Mark gives an assignment at the end of a verse, or passage to meditate on for that day. It's really cool.

I'm also planning on finally getting to "Abba's Child (later will probably be referred to as AC)" (Brittany let me borrow this one at least three years ago, possibly four), "A Hunger for God" (I really should get it returned to Ben, I've had it for months), and at the moment I can't remember the others, but I know there are at least two more, and I think maybe up to four or five more.

I'm also trying (though not succeeding) to write in my prayer journal more, or at least to stop and pray. I trust that God is changing my heart and drawing me closer to him, it's just taking longer than I wanted it to. Does that make any sense?

Alright, well, I should go today's verses in my one year Bible plan, then try to get some sleep. Thanks for reading.

God is great, God is good...

Let us thank him for our...Life? I don't think that's the way that prayer goes, but we never said it when I was growing up, so I'm not positive. That's besides that point though. I think we should rewrite the prayer to say that, since that's how I'm feeling at the moment.

Yesterday I was able to have a wonderful birthday picnic dinner with friends from church. God showed me his overwhelming love through those wonderful people, and then kept showing it to me through another friend yesterday evening.

I was able to spend about an hour with a really good friend I hadn't seen in a year. She reminded me once again of something I've heard many times before, about how God is a loving father who will not break down doors and make us do what he wants us to do, but he will stand by patiently while we pout and throw our tantrums, and sooner or later we will hopefully turn back and do his will. Or something like that. Last night that actually got through my head, and I believe it. I went home, and spent the next hour crying and writing in my prayer journal for the first time in months.

I really think I should go back to trying to figure out this God as a father thing, it may become a breakthrough for me. I've been thinking back on the past year, and realized that my life has changed dramatically from where it was a year ago, even more dramatically from where it was two years ago. But I was reminded of one of the first truths I learned, as Gods' Word says in Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (emphasis mine.) I'm trying to cling to this truth and hoping it will change my life.

Now, because it's me, there has to be something depressing in this post :P, so here it is. I don't think the enemy likes what happened yesterday, and now I'm sick. Sicker than I've been in a long while (but don't worry, it's not contagious.)

Thank you all for reading, and for sharing my life with me. Feel free to leave me your prayer requests, or e-mail them to me or call me with them if you would feel more comfortable (let me know if you need my e-mail and/or phone number.) I would love to be able to be in prayer for my brothers and sisters in Christ, especially now that I can truthfully say that I'm praying for people.

Happy Birthday to Me

Today was my birthday. It made me realize just how many of my friends have moved in the last year. Last year on my birthday I had a group of people go out to dinner to celebrate, this year I set up an open house from 6-midnight at my place, and had 3 people show up, for an hour. I'm trying not to feel bitter, because I know of at least a few more who said they really wanted to come, they just already had other plans. It's just that this was the first "party" I've tried to have, and I made sure to stock up on pop, made little smokies, and made my mom's recipe of cheese dip, none of which I actually like. Now I have all this stuff and nothing to do with it. I even cleaned the house from top to bottom, I really wanted to show my friends that I'd grown up and can keep a house, but I didn't have the chance.

I had dinner with my family last night, and then spent the night at my mom's in Seward (it was weird staying there again, I haven't stayed a night their for almost 3 years.) It was good I guess, and then my mom and I sat up talking for about 3 hours. Somehow when she gets talking I start feeling guilty and end up spilling my guts to her and telling her everything about my life.

My dad called me today and talked to me for all of about 30 seconds, then said he was going to give my sister the phone because she was the one who wanted to call me anyway. I'm hoping that doesn't mean he didn't want to call me.

Tomorrow I have a picnic dinner planned. So far I've had one family say yes, and another say maybe, so hopefully I'll get to see people then.

Truthfully, I just feel very alone this birthday, and am glad it's over. Maybe it has something to do with Grandpa being gone, most likely it has a lot to do with Grandpa being gone, but somehow I really need to figure out how to get over that.

I'm sorry this post is so depressing, I just needed to put my thoughts down somewhere.

My Birthday

My birthday is coming up on Saturday. I will be 22 years old. Truthfully, I'm not really looking forward to my birthday, since it will be the first one without Grandpa. I'm not liking the fact that life is going on, some days I just want to turn the clock back about two months and freeze it forever.

The day after my birthday is also the day of the 2-month anniversary of Grandpa's death.

I know this probably all sounds depressing, and I'm really sorry, but I needed to write it down.

My mom's been asking me what I want for my birthday. I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks, and I finally realized that all I want is to spend time with good friends. Hopefully I can make this happen.

Thanks for listening.

Week in review

I'll give you guys a really quick review, then I'll elaborate on a few things.

Monday: Spent the whole day cleaning the house with my mom
Tuesday: Showed the house to a potential roommate, then had community group
Wednesday: Met with Nicole
Thursday: Met with Kristin for the last time, showed the house to another potential roommate
Friday: Didn't do much, talked with a really good friend on the phone
Saturday: Cleaned the house, worked for a few hours
Sunday (Today): Church, went to a musical with my mom, my uncle set up the new digital cable in the house

Now to elaborate. My meeting with Nicole didn't go so well. It wasn't just that I was nervous, our personalities didn't really mesh at all. And her office is really small, so we were only sitting about a foot apart (if you know me, you know I don't usually sit that close to anyone, especially someone I don't know.) I'm giving her a second chance though, maybe I just got a bad first impression.

Although I am giving Nicole a second chance, I'm also going to meet with someone else this week (Nicole didn't have any openings.) Her name's Chalena. Her office is only as big as Nicole's, so that problem won't be solved, but Kristin thinks that maybe our personalities will mesh better.

Speaking of Kristin, I saw her for the last time on Thursday, and we sort of had a summary meeting. Going over where I started, what we've worked on, where I am now, and what she thinks I still need to work on. It's strange thinking that I won't be meeting with her anymore, I met with her for almost two and a half years. Hopefully it should be easier because no one will be able to contact her for 5 weeks, she won't even be answering her phone.

Today I got to go see Fiddler on the Roof at the Omaha Community Playhouse. My step-dad couldn't go, so he told my mom she should take me. The show was great, but my mom brought the Porsche and decided we had to put the top down. Because of this I'm sunburned on both arms (they don't match, one looks like a farmer's tan), and I just realized that I'm sunburned on part of one of my legs. I don't usually even put the windows down in my car, let alone have a top down. I loved the show, but the day is definitely hampered by the pain I'm in now.

Sorry, I can't think of a catchy name at the moment

Wow, a lot has happened in the last couple of days. I haven't been writing because I haven't had very much time alone.

First off, I met with Kristin on Wednesday and talked a little more about seeing someone else. She also said that next time we meet (which is my last time with her) she will give me a summary of some sort. When I left her, I had to go back to work, but on the way I got up enough courage to call Nicole Kai, the other counselor I had decided to meet. We played phone tag throughout Wednesday, and we finally got a chance to chat on the phone on Thursday. She sounds really nice. I was bold enough to even make an appointment with her for this coming Wednesday. Then I see Kristin for the last time on Thursday, so it should be an interesting week.

I'm amazed that I actually got up the courage to dial Nicole's number, let alone make an appointment with her. I realized though that there wasn't really any way that one of my friends could do it for me, as I don't really see them during the day when her office would have been open. I also am trying really hard to be more independent and rely less on my friends. I need to realize that I'm an adult and have to make my own decisions (even if I don't really like it.)

We had a really busy morning and early afternoon at work on Friday, and then it was really dead until 5, which is sort of annoying. I came home to find that my aunt had done a few more things in the house that no one really asked her to do, and frankly, I didn't want done. I know she means well, but I wish she would have asked first.

My aunt and uncle finally left Saturday afternoon, and one of my friends stayed with me for the weekend, so I still wasn't really alone. I didn't do a whole lot. She realized she probably won't be able to come down for my birthday in two weeks, so she wanted to get me my gift now. She remembered that I hadn't gotten the sixth Harry Potter movie yet, so we went and got that, then watched it last night.

Sunday School and church today, then I planned on practicing my guitar some, finishing my laundry, and maybe doing the dishes. It ended up that I've spent about the last 4 hours doing random cleaning/organizing projects around the house, and haven't gotten around to practicing. I only did this because I have a potential roomate coming by the house Tuesday evening, and my mom will be here cleaning tomorrow, and I feel bad when she does everything. Especially because then she gets mad at me for not doing anything (although it's hard to clean something when you have no idea what to do with it.)

Now I'm sitting here enjoying a bowl of cereal with actual skim milk! I know I shouldn't be drinking it, but my aunt and uncle left almost an entire gallon in the fridge, and I haven't had it in so long. I forgot how good it tastes. Oh well, I should probably go fold the three loads of clothes I did today, and then I should try to get some sleep.

Hope everyone is having a good Memorial Day weekend. Remember those who have served and are serving in our armed forces!

Family is tiring

My aunt and uncle are staying with me this week. They got here last night and aren't leaving until Saturday sometime. I know that many people say family is one of the most important things to have around me right now, but I don't agree. Every time I'm around my family I get really stressed out.

I see Kristin tomorrow, second to last time I'll see her. She said she would have a list for me of what she thinks I still need to work on. Then if I decide to go see someone else, I can just give them this list and it will help them to get to know me more quickly.

Between my mom and my aunt, we are slowly getting the house cleaned out and re-organized. We changed around the kitchen, made it a little more cook friendly. It's gone a little more quickly in the last couple of days because the cat has been at the vets'. She is getting de-clawed finally. Hopefully she won't stab me as much anymore, I'm tired of her drawing blood.

I've got plenty of other thoughts racing through my head, but I can't get any of them to straighten out so I can write them down. I guess I'll just stop for the night.

HALT - whoops

Obviously I'm still awake. Which means that HALT has probably kicked in. I'm not hungry, or really angry, but I am lonely. And I wasn't really physically tired, just mentally exhausted. So, of course I did a stupid, bad, coping mechanism, but it got me relaxed enough to sleep now I think. I wish I would have remembered HALT before I did anything...

This has just been a really long week. I know I should have run to Jesus, and I had planned on spending all evening with him. Then I remembered I needed to take the recycling to the center, which made me realize I needed to wash the dishes, and being in the kitchen made me think of the fact that I still needed to go through the cereal and spices cupboards. So I did all that, and then remembered that I needed to spray the house with bug stuff inside and out, and that made me remember that I needed to weed the garden. I finally got done at about 10, but then I needed to take a shower since I was covered in chemicals and mud. In other words, I never got around to the Jesus time I had planned.

Maybe tomorrow?

It's been a busy 24 hours

Last night I talked with one of my close friends for a couple hours about what's going on in my life. She helped me slow down and understand many of the thoughts that are racing through my head. She also helped me just by listening to me ramble on my feelings about Kristin and what's going to happen in my life in the next couple of months.

Today then I saw Kristin. She said that next time she sees me she will have a summary of me and what I still need to work on to give me. She also gave me the name of another woman she thought would be good for me to meet with. She thinks it would be a better fit for me than the names she gave me last week. This woman used to work in Kristin's office, so she knows her. She has also heard from multiple people that this woman counsels in the same manner as Kristin does, so if someone meshes well with Kristin, they will probably mesh will with her. This woman is also a very strong Christian woman, which is my main criteria when it comes to seeing someone. Strangely enough, this woman's name is also Nicole.

This might seem strange, especially if you know me, but as soon as she started telling me about this woman, I sort of felt a tug inside that said I'm supposed to talk to her. This seems crazy, I'm terrified to talk to someone else, but now I'm actually seriously considering it.

After last week, I wasn't really sure if I should talk to anyone of the people she gave me contact information for. She gave me three names. One of them I'm definitely not pursuing, a second one Kristin didn't seem too sure about and was hesitant to give me the name, and the third she thought might be a good fit, but she wasn't positive that I'd talk to her. She didn't even tell me whether or not she thought I should still see someone.

Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything hasty, but I'm not sure if I should wait very long either. It may take awhile to be able to get an appointment with one of these people, and I don't want to get cold feet.

To go back to last night, well, I was finally able (with Crystal's help) to take a step towards God. I was able to pray and talk to him with her, and I felt a little sense of peace for the evening. Sadly it didn't last that long, but maybe if I can keep taking small steps towards him the feeling will last longer each time.

Any thoughts?

Day Off

I skipped work today. I called in sick because I barely slept last night and couldn't see straight when I got up because I had such a bad headache. I'm not sure if having this morning off was a good thing or a bad thing though. It just gave me a lot more time to think about what I'm doing today. And that scares me, a lot. Hopefully it won't be too bad though, because after meeting with one friend, I have to go to a Union Bank & Trust/Lincoln Young Professional's Group thing. Then right after that I go meet with another couple of friends.

Did I mention I'm scared? The only reason I can think of for that is because I haven't really prayed for more than 2 minutes in over a year, possibly longer. I'm worried that if I start praying, the dam keeping my emotions in check might break, and I'm not sure I can repair it.

I know this is something I need to do though, and not just because Kristin told me to. I know that I need to find God's will for this part of my life. Do I meet with someone new? Do I not meet with anyone? Do I go back to ignoring everything and stuffing it deep inside? I don't know.

God's Word is supposed to bring peace, right?

Car Jinx

Today I once again earned my nickname of a car jinx. This time I somehow completely flattened the rear drivers tire on my mom's car. I know it wasn't that way after church, I didn't notice anything wrong, and it drove just fine. But there had been a light lit up on the dashboard for about a day, and I didn't know what it meant. So while my mom was in town today, I asked her about it, of course she was smart enough to look in the manual, and as soon as we realized the light meant "low tire pressure", we noticed the flat tire (did I mention it was completely flat, as in no air at all, I've only seen one other tire that flat in my life and I stupidly drove home on that one, which proceeded to fall apart in our driveway, but hey, I was in high school and stupid at the time.)

I have now been a jinx to every car I can think of that I have driven for more than a few days. The tire listed above that was shredded, that was on my first vehicle, my truck. I had an old lady smash into my nice red car less than 6 months after I got it. I drove my mom's convertible for awhile, and had a flat tire on that one. When I had the prism (my little blue/green car) I had to swerve into the median to keep another car from running into me, and that ruined a tire, then I also rear-ended someone while driving it and really messed up the front end. And finally, the car I have now, my silver Pontiac sunfire, a lady ran into it when I was leaving work one day a few months ago and it is just now getting fixed (which is why I have my mom's car in the first place.)

As you can probably tell, I didn't have a very good afternoon. So once my mom left, I sat and fumed for about an hour to try and calm myself down, then proceeded to take a hot shower. Have you ever had the feeling that you just wanted to wash the entire day off of you in the shower, or that while you are taking a hot shower you can sort of be in another world and ignore real life for a little while? That may sound crazy, but it's what happened to me tonight.

Another strange fact about me and showers, every single piece of brilliant inspiration I've had in my life has come to me while I was taking a shower. When I was in Jacksonville for the Navigators Summer Training Program a few years back, this inspiration in the shower thing happened a couple times, and my team decided that from then on, any time I needed to make an important decision, I should take a hot shower first and see what came to me. Maybe it's because when I'm taking a shower, I finally slow down enough that God is able to talk to me. I usually try to keep myself busy and ignore the LORD at the moment, so maybe that's why inspiration always comes when I'm in the shower.

Ok, so this post is getting really strange, and really long, so I think I should stop now and try to get some sleep. Thanks for listening.

And now for todays ramble...

Wow, three posts in three days. Don't get used to it, it may never happen again.

I told someone tonight that I started a blog. I didn't realize I was ready to tell anyone yet, but it just sort of came out. I guess God must want someone to know what's going through my head.

This may sound cliche, but I feel like there is a void in my life. I know exactly what it is though, it's that I don't have a very good relationship with the LORD right now. Which is completely my fault because I haven't been praying or really studying the word at all. I sort of feel like a hypocrite. I'm doing a Bible in a year plan, and I teach Sunday School every week, but I'm not doing anything to really grow my relationship.

I can tell that God is doing things to try to get me to run to him. I feel like I can't though. I'm terrified to even try to go back. I think if I allow myself to let go even for awhile, I'm not sure if I'll be able to regain control. I guess that's it, I'm scared.

I plan on trying to make sure this blog isn't completely depressing, but this post might be. I'm not really sure what to do right now. Kristin told me that I need to find someone to get together with for at least 30 min, or even better at least an hour this week and pray about seeing someone else. She said that I have to do it with someone because she knows that if it were up to me, I'd just say no and leave it at that. Maybe since I'm writing it on here I can say that I asked people, but no one responded (since no one reads this anyway.) Then I just won't have to do it.

I'm sorry. I'm sort of cynical tonight. My mom took me shopping and then out for dinner this evening and we ended up fighting almost the whole time, which is normal, although it hasn't been this bad for awhile. I guess she still didn't realize how long it would take me to finish school, and she's not very happy about that. She's also upset that I haven't found roommates yet, but I don't know how to fix that. I've done everything she wants me to do.

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks, or months) where you really want to talk to someone and spend time with them, but at the same time, you really don't want to see anyone and you just want to be alone? It's really confusing. I'm not sure what to do. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.

This may seem strange

Let me tell you a little about myself. I've tried this whole blog thing before, and it didn't work. But strangely enough, today I got this feeling, which I truthfully believe was from God, and it said that I needed to give blogging another go. Maybe this is God's way of getting me though this time in my life.

Most of today was one of the worst days I've had in the past year or so, but this evening, it really turned around. First off, today is the one month anniversary of my Grandpa's death. That may not seem like a big deal, but if you know my story, you will understand why it's really hard. Later on, I met with Kristin. We talked about how she is taking a leave of absence starting the second week in June, so we only had 3 more meetings until then. Then she told me that she has been praying about us, and decided that it would be in my best interest if we don't meet anymore after these last few weeks. Then this evening, I went to a dessert thing for a woman who used to be on staff with The Navigators at UNL, but moved to the University of Washington two years ago. I hadn't talked to her in those two years, but tonight I just felt a strong urge to pull her aside and tell her what had happened during the day. This woman is an amazing prayer warrior and stood and prayed with me for a few minutes. This may seem weird, but it calmed me down and made me think that maybe things will be ok.

You probably understand now why I titled this blog "Ramblings in the Desert". I ramble a lot. I guess I just start typing, then get really nervous about what I'm saying, and wondering if it is coming out right, or if it makes any sense at all, so I just keep rambling. (See, I did it again.) Maybe though, this will help me process all the millions of thoughts racing through my head. I hope someone understood this, and feel free to let me know of any questions/comments you have.

Thanks for listening.